Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)
When your child resists a demand, avoids it, or has a big reaction or meltdown over a task, it can be exhausting and frustrating, especially if it’s your 5th time asking them to get dressed, eat their food, clean their room, the list goes on!
For many neurodivergent kids (Autism, ADHD, OCD), requests, expectations, pressure, and transitions can feel overwhelming, distressing, and extremely dysregulating. There’s an important reframe that I consistently have to remind myself with my own kids — instead of saying “Rachel, they’re being defiant and trying to make you lose it,” I have to take a huge, slow breath and gently remind myself that this is a nervous system response and not a personal attack: Fight-flight-freeze-fawn-flop.
We all are familiar with the standard fight, flight, freeze, but fawn and flop are not as commonly explained. Fawn looks like people pleasing and minimizing or ignoring own needs, where as flop is feeling numb and disconnected (often is dissociation), which may look a lot like freeze.
The nervous system gets triggered by a demand: The Demand: Do your homework right now. Thought: I’m not in control, I’m not safe, I’m trapped. Reaction: one of the survival responses kicks in), the brain loses that’s where we get hitting (fight), running into the street (flight), becoming non-verbal and not moving (freeze), saying yes to every little thing that’s asked and ignoring needs (fawning or people pleasing), or laying on the floor motionless (flop).
PDA is a profile of neurodivergence rooted in nervous system anxiety, sensory overwhelm, and an intense drive for autonomy. The phrase “pathological demand avoidance” itself gets a lot of critique and many prefer Pervasive Drive for Autonomy as a more affirming name that reflects motivation.
In my work with families, I’ve learned that PDA behaviors are driven by anxiety, not manipulation. Demands increase stress. Stress increases resistance. The resistance looks and feels very personal as the parent experiencing these meltdowns and outbursts.
What PDA Looks Like in Daily Life
Kids with PDA traits might:
Become anxious or meltdown when asked to follow a routine
Use distraction, delay, negotiation, humor, or chatter to avoid tasks
Agree to something, then instantly refuse
Thrive when they perceive choice or agency
Dread transitions (home to school, bed to shower, vacation to school day)
Mask their discomfort until it explodes
You might recognize this if your child can do everything for everyone else… just not what you’ve asked of them.
How I Explain It to Families
I often say: a demand is only a problem when the child feels their autonomy is threatened or their nervous system is too taxed to cope.
So the question becomes:
How do we reduce threat and support regulation — without giving up all structure and upholding our boundaries and values as a parent or loved one?
Tips for Managing PDA Traits
1. Lead with Choice
Kids often resist commands, but can collaborate choices.
Instead of “Do your homework now,” try:
“Which would you like to do first — math or reading?”
“Do you want your pencils on the table or on the couch?”
Not giving all the control — just enough to feel agency.
2. Make the Demand Gentle
“Could you…” feels way safer than “You must…”.
Compare:
“Please get your shoes on.”
versus
“Huh — I wonder if your shoes are in the closet?”
Softened language reduces threat.
3. Use Play and Humor WHENEVER You Can
Sometimes an unexpected request is less threatening if it’s playful and framed as an offering:
“I wonder which of us would win a race to the bathroom, wanna see?”
“First one to put all the toys in the bin gets to put clown make up on Dad!” - Don’t ask, I have definitely used this tactic.
4. Work as a Team
“I bet together we could…”
“We’re a team — here’s our mission…”
Kids with PDA often respond better when it’s us vs. the task, not you vs. them.
5. Honor the Nervous System
If your child is dysregulated, hits meltdown, or shuts down — that’s their brain saying:
“I’m overwhelmed. I can’t do this right now.”
Regulation comes first. Once calm, real engagement is possible.
6. Prep for Transitions
Rather than abrupt switches:
Give a heads up (“In 5 minutes…”)
Let them finish one micro-task first
Predict the next activity together
Pair difficult tasks with reward/dopamine boosting tasks: “After you brush your teeth, we can head outside”
Transitions can feel like demands in disguise. We can make them gentler.
7. Collaborative Problem Solving
Yes, your child is probably lawyer level with the pleading and negotiating. It’s okay to lean into it. Let them figure out the solution while you poke around and ask clarifying questions to support deeper reflection.
“What do you think would be a fair reward for the chore chart?”
“How would you like to be notified when a task needs to be done?” - The less a demand comes from you directly, the better. An alarm/Alexa shouting at them — better yet if they can set the alarm or Alexa themselves. A visual chart that you can redirect them to when they lose sight of a task or need more structure.
“What makes this hard for you?”
“How were you feeling when your teacher wouldn’t let you go to the bathroom?”
“What would help you start?”
“How can we make this feel safer?”
“What popped into your mind when I asked you to brush your teeth right now?”
When kids co-design solutions, they’re far more likely to follow through. These reflective questions are also much easier for kids to thoughtfully answer once they are back in a regulated state, after an activating event has ended and they have engaged in a grounding coping skill of some kind.
How to Seek Support
If PDA-like behaviors are causing daily distress, there are a few supports that I recommend both as a therapist and a mom managing this.
Occupational Therapy - Addresses self-care, ADLs (showering, brushing teeth, getting dressed), sensory integration (challenges with clothing, food avoidance, auditory/visual overwhelm, etc.). We have an in house Occupational Therapist, Alex Walcott, who is fantastic with these areas!
AutPlay/PlayTherapy - Our practice uses AutPlay, Sand Tray, and general Play Therapy techniques that introduce self-soothing and sensory seeking activities to provide self-regulation.
Family Therapy - Parent-Child therapy sessions can be incredibly helpful for neurodivergent kids of all ages, helping address barriers, gaps in communication or communication differences, and improving attachment and bond as well as providing co-regulation strategies to regulate together.
IEP/504 Support in the School Setting - These formalized plans can provide accommodations under a variety of clinical diagnoses such as Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, Anxiety, and other DSM-5 criteria. Our practice diagnoses ADHD and mood disorders and we have a referral list on the website with providers who do full Psychological Evaluations for Autism — they must be done by a Psychologist or MD to be valid for the school system. You can also reach out to your school first, they are obligated to work with you on your request to evaluate for learning disorders and mental health concerns which can also be utilized for developing the IEP/504 plan!
Social Skills Groups - Several wonderful groups in Tucson and throughout AZ that support neurodivergent kids who might struggle to make or keep friends or just generally feel like an alien out in the world. We are holding an online gaming group for neurodivergent kids at Olive Branch Counseling as of February 2026 — feel free to contact us on the website for more information.
Parenting Support/Coaching - There are a variety of workshops, groups, classes, and 1:1 therapy opportunities to help parents get on the same page about parenting strategies, identify resources/tools/methods for working with their child, and we would be happy to assist anyone who needs ideas.
Resources for Parents Exploring PDA + Autism
Informational Websites
The PDA Society — https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/ — A global hub of information, training, and supports specific to PDA.
National Autistic Society (UK) PDA Info — https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/pda/overview — Practical, diagnostic insights.
Child Mind Institute (childmind.org) — brilliant, readable articles on tantrums, emotion coaching, transitions, and more.
Zero to Three (zerotothree.org) — excellent for young children’s emotional development.
Aha! Parenting (Dr. Laura Markham) — strategies that help caregivers stay calm and teach kids self-regulation.
Circle of Security - Focuses on educating about secure parent-child attachment.
Instagram Content
@pdaqueen — PDA-focused content with humor & empathy
@theautistictherapist — Accessible tips from an autistic clinician
@theautisticguide — Autistic-led perspectives on emotions & support
@something.autistic — Daily lived experience + advocacy
@occuplaytional - https://www.occuplaytional.com/
@drbeckyatgoodinside - focus on supporting deeply feeling kids
@playfulparenting — playful routines and regulation cues
@childmindinstitute — evidence-based tips
@thegentleparentingco — responding to big reactions with empathy rather than escalation
TikTok
@autism.with.alyssa — PDA awareness & tantrum decoding
@myautisticbrain — Honest breakdowns of sensory + demand responses
@therapyjealousy — PDA-friendly tools through playful lenses
Books for Parents
Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome in Children — Ruth Fidler & Phil Christie (great intro & practical examples)
The PDA Paradox — Bethany C. Little (explores autonomy and demand responsivity)
Uniquely Human — Dr. Barry Prizant (a must-read for autistic behaviors through a strengths-based lens)
Parenting with Love and Logic by Charles Fay and Foster Cline - This book provides practical strategies for raising responsible children while maintaining a compassionate approach.
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman - This resource helps parents learn to understand and manage their emotions, which is crucial for fostering healthy emotional development in children.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish - A practical guide that offers communication techniques to strengthen parent-child relationships.
Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop managing Behaviour and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids Author: Mona Delahooke, PhD
Low-Demand Parenting: Dropping Demands, Restoring Calm, and Finding Connection with your Uniquely Wired Child Author: Amanda Diekman Specifically Helpful for neurodivergent kids who fit PDA profile and escalate when perceiving a demand
Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies That Really Work Author: Robyn Gobbel Sensory friendly techniques to help regulate children.
Playful Parenting (Lawrence J. Cohen) Useful playful interactions to reduce power struggles and meltdowns.
The Whole-Brained Child (Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson) Breaks down emotional outbursts through brain science. Tons of strategies you can use with kids.
Podcasts
The PDA Podcast — Insights from experts & families
Autism Blueprint — Broader autism support with PDA episodes
Oh My ADHD — Neurodivergent voices on overwhelm + demands
Your Parenting Mojo – Evidence-based but understandable breakdowns of tantrums, emotions, and developmental stages.
The Parent Cue Podcast — This podcast discusses various parenting topics, including emotional health and effective communication strategies.
The Mindful Kind -- Focuses on mindfulness and emotional awareness, which can be beneficial for parents working through their own trauma.
Support Communities
PDA Society Forums — parent-led conversations
Facebook: PDA Support UK/International — daily tips & emotional support
Reddit: r/PDAcommunity — lived experience, strategies, and empathy
Addressing behavioral concerns isn’t about eliminating resistance, it’s about understanding what the resistance means and where it’s coming from, and then responding with empathy, ingenuity, and tools to support regulation and autonomy.
Every behavior is purposeful and all behavior is communicating something. With every avoidance or meltdown, there is usually a softer, more vulnerable emotion that something inside feels unsafe or wrong . Parents are the detective looking for clues as to what the underlying need is.
By viewing your child’s behaviors through a research-based biological framework, the emotional experience shifts from anger to empathy, understanding, and curiosity. When we stay curious, open, and attuned, children feel safe, seen, and heard which provides the foundation for emotional resiliency into adulthood.
